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How to Help Your Children Deal with Stress

By Janet Wolfe | February 18, 2021

It is easy to get wrapped up in our own stress, and not really notice that our children are trying to deal with stress as well. If you pick up clues that your children are experiencing anxiety, however, you can help them manage their stress before it grows.

Actively listen to your children. One of the most important things we can do for our kids is just to really listen to them. When they have little things to share, whether happy or sad, give them your full attention. Give them time to say what they need to, without interrupting, and ask active questions about how they felt about whatever they are describing.

If you start active listening early in your children’s lives, they will continue to see open communication as an automatic part of your relationship. Only half listening, with occasional an “uh huh” only encourages them to withdraw, or try unhealthy habits for stress relief.

Active listening involves giving feedback, to clarify understanding. Comments like, “sounds like that made you pretty upset,” or questions, “did that hurt your feelings?” help you understand what emotions your child may not know how to express. Doing this at happy times as well…”wow, I bet that made you feel great”…makes discussing stressful situations feel more natural.

If something seems wrong, ask. If children are going through a rough patch at school or with other kids, they may not want to bring the subject up. By being proactive you show you care, and even if they don’t want to talk right away, they will feel the door is open to talk when they are ready.

Give them time to just be kids. Clubs, piano lessons, team sports, and other activities outside of school are a great way for your child to develop confidence and social skills. But too many activities do far more than make you an overworked chauffeur. A day packed with too much to do, without some simple down time, can load a lot of extra stress on your child.

You don’t have to wait until your kids get frazzled to help them ease up on an over booked agenda. Talk to them about which activities are most important to them, and drop the ones that don’t make the cut.

Let your kids know you love them as they are, not for what they may become. One of my favorite scenes from the movie Spanglish, occurs when the suburban mom brings home new clothes for her daughter that are a size too small, to encourage the girl to lose weight. Flashback from my childhood, but not all that unique.

We all want the best for our kids, but thinking that the best means some goal we want them to hit, or some game we want them to win, can be one of the biggest causes of stress in our children’s lives. Most children want deeply to please their parents, and sadly many reach adulthood feeling they have let their parents down.

Let them try out their own dreams, not yours. If you always dreamed of being on stage, or a professional athlete, that doesn’t mean your children are your second chance. If they enjoy those activities, fine. Support them and cheer them on. But don’t envision an NFL jersey while they are still toddlers. Piling your own dreams on your kids just piles on more stress.

Don’t buy them everything they want. It may seem like an easy way to make kids feel better, but in the long run children will experience more stress if they come to expect the world on a plate, and it doesn’t happen. If you help them understand money and how to make smart choices, you give them a sense of control, and responsibility.

Praise them for the effort they put in. In her excellent book Mindset, author Dr. Carol S. Dweck describes how children who are praised as being super smart or talented encounter far more stress than children praised for hard work. The first time the smart kids do something less than perfectly, they feel they have failed, and often slip back in performance. The kids who are praised for trying, however, just kept trying even if they had a setback, and felt very little stress about not being the best. They knew they would be better the next time.

Find a de-stress exercise you can share. Taking walks with your children, doing yoga together, or just running around in the backyard can lessen stress for both you and your kids. They don’t have to know you are working off stress hormones, they just feel better after having some fun.

Keep your own stress to yourself. Lastly, children are not therapists. You don’t have to hide that you had a rough day, but you don’t need to go into details either. Whatever cause you have to be unhappy, dumping it on your children makes them feel somehow to blame, and burdens them with stresses they should never have.

Just being there for your children when they need you is often enough to help them deal with the stress they feel. Knowing they are safe and loved goes a long way.

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How Pets Help You Deal with Stress

By Janet Wolfe | February 16, 2021

Whether you are under a lot of stress, or fighting depression, it helps to have someone to talk to, and that someone could be a pet. Pets help you deal with stress and can improve your health, plus they are glad to listen as you pour your heart out, without interrupting or telling you what to do.

Especially if you are alone, a pet can provide essential companionship that keeps you connected with the world. Caring for an animal forces you to think of someone other than yourself, and breaks the cycle of brooding on your problems all the time. And they are just fun to be around.

One example of the difference pets can make is how many nursing homes now allow companion animals to visit the people who live there. Residents become more responsive and contented when interacting with their furry guests, and the effects last after the animals have gone.

Pets lower blood pressure. Research has shown that the presence of animals reduces our blood pressure, which can be a dangerous offshoot of stress. There appears to be something inherently calming and uplifting about having pets around, whether they are dogs, cats, birds, fish or something more exotic.

Unconditional love. Charles Schultz once wrote that, “dogs love people for who they are.” Cats too, actually. They don’t care how you look, how smart you are, what you do for a living or what kind of car you drive. Affection from a pet comes with no pre-qualifications, and has no end. If your work days are full of trying to please your boss or unhappy customers, then coming home to an animal who loves you can relieve a lot of the stress you have built up all day long.

Exercise. One way to get yourself moving more regularly is to walk a dog. Dogs need exercise, and so do we. You get stress relief from fresh air and muscle activity, and a walking buddy who seldom wears out. Depending on the breed, a dog might also make you feel safer and more willing to go outside.

The magic of touch. We all need physical contact, but if you live alone, or spend a lot of time away from family members, a loving touch may be rare. Animals are born to touch. They love to snuggle, hug, roll, nuzzle, and let you stroke them for hours on end. On your side, the act of petting a cat or dog can reduce your heart rate, and release feel good hormones in your brain.

Recharging your sense of play. Animals love to play. Even as they get older, they never seem to lose their eagerness to just have fun, and it makes them happy when you join them. When we’re under a lot of stress, we forget how to be playful. Pets serve as an excellent reminder that we don‘t have to take life so seriously all the time.

Sense of routine. When you are under a lot of stress it can seem like the world is spinning out of control. The routine feeding and care of a pet can give you a sense of stability, as well as confidence in your ability to be responsible for someone else.

Some things to keep in mind if you decide to own a pet.

If you are dealing with a lot of stress already, you need to consider a pet that is relatively low maintenance. Some dog breeds might require more space, food, and exercise time than you have available. If you work long days, then a cat could be a better choice, as they don’t require you let them outside.

Also, consider your budget. You don’t want to add to your money stress by bringing home a pet you can’t afford. A vet or animal shelter could provide information to help you decide. If you have to think small, even goldfish can calm your nerves.

Be willing to make a long term commitment. A pet can bring you years of happiness, but should not be taken on as some sort of short term fix. Pets give us their devotion and trust, and must rely on us for their safety and care. Before you give your heart to any pet, be sure it is for the long haul.

Pets help us deal with stress and keep a positive outlook. Plus, it’s always good to have a true friend.

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Nature’s Recipe To Beat Depression

By Janet Wolfe | February 2, 2021

Spring is coming. Nature’s recipe to beat depression is almost here, with its ingredients of sunshine, fresh air and exercise, courtesy of springtime outdoor chores. Those of you who like to garden already know this recipe well, and you’re probably just itching to get outside and get your hands in the dirt. For those of us not so inclined, here’s why we should listen to our green thumbed friends. After all, gardeners are seldom depressed.

Even cheery souls can get depressed after months of cabin fever and fighting nasty weather just to get around. If you live, like I do, in a place where Spring arrives sometime in June, the days will still be longer, there will be more light, and tulips and crocuses will start peeking out under the snow. Instinctively we feel brighter, but there is also real science behind why we feel better, and we can use that to make the most of the seasonal change.

Blue skies are a natural anti-depressant. When scientists first started looking into the psychology of color, they discovered that the specific shade we call “sky blue” has a positive effect on our brains. Of course, poets and songwriters have known this for centuries. Even the phrase “blue skies” is a metaphor for feeling fine.

Grey skies, grey mood, can be blamed partly on biology. The more we can get outside for a big dose of blue skies, the less depression we will feel.

To get fit, and gain confidence, think “wax on, wax off.” Working out in a gym is fine, but if it becomes too repetitive, we can forget that the purpose of strong muscles and bones is to get things done. In contrast, outdoor chores work lots of small, secondary muscles that seldom get used in circuit training.

The film The Karate Kid has a lot of fun with this disconnect between real tasks and fitness. When the slightly clueless teenager wants to learn martial arts, his new teacher slyly sets him to work painting his house and waxing his car. Eventually the kid learns that there was no better workout for the particular strength and balance he needed, than to work his muscles doing real chores.

Chores can also be aerobic, which causes you to take in more oxygen and may elevate your mood. Mowing and raking, burn loads of calories, which can help you shed a few winter pounds and the sluggish way they make you feel.

A sense of accomplishment you can see. Do you ever have days at work when you can’t really say what you’ve accomplished? There may have been meetings, phone calls, lots of computer time. You may have met deadlines, but it can be hard to beat depression if there are no successes you can actually see.

Cleaning up your home environment, however, leaves you with real results. Washing windows, weeding flower beds, cleaning gutters are not activities that are necessarily fun. But this kind of work gives you such a feeling of accomplishment that when you are done, you can stand back and be proud of what you are capable of achieving.

Taking care of things helps you count your blessings. I don’t know why this works, but taking care of things makes you appreciate them more. And the more you value things, the more you can feel how blessed you are to have them, and the less depressed you may feel about your life.

You don’t have to own a house to find something outside to take care of. Flowers on a balcony, enjoying the view from a newly clean window, washing your car by hand, can all help you feel more grateful for the space you call home.

Soaking off real dirt feels good. At the end of the day, a long hot bath can feel especially rewarding if your muscles ache from doing some real work. You can congratulate yourself for all you’ve accomplished, and let your depression just wash away.

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Release Your Stress and Anxiety About Tomorrow: 5 Little Steps to Start Today

By Janet Wolfe | January 12, 2021

Whether we stress about how to afford our kids’ college, are anxious about aging, or are afraid we’ll look dumpy at our high school reunion; we can save ourselves a lot of worry about the future by taking little steps today. Even if you don’t typically procrastinate, many of us check off our to-do list of daily tasks, but avoid issues that worry us most because we can’t quite face them yet. And when we don’t face them, the stress gets a little bigger every day.

Most life changes happen one minute at a time. Sudden, life changing events do happen which can forever alter our future. But most changes happen while we’re not paying much attention, especially when we are busy dealing with the stress of our daily routine. We may gain a pound here and there, or put a few too many lunches on a credit card. We may say we’ll start saving for retirement someday…when we have more money or time.

Then one day we look in the mirror, or at our bank statement and wonder what the heck happened. We feel doubly stressed because the future has hit us, and we find ourselves unprepared.

Time is on your side. Trying to make up for lost time can feel impossible. But little changes made early don’t take much effort at all. Instead, you can release your stress and anxiety, and let time do the heavy work for you. None of these are new ideas. We just may not always realize how beneficial little changes are.

1) The 100 calorie trick. If a few pounds have crept up on you, but you hate the idea of dieting, consider simply letting go of 100 calories a day. This could be half a latte or soda, one less tablespoon of salad dressing or pat of butter, or just a little less of something you can’t live without.

The math never lies. 3500 calories of food intake equals a pound of body fat, no matter what it is you eat. So 100 less calories a day will be close to a pound lost in a month, that you would hardly notice missing from your mouth. The change is slow, but you could lose over 10 pounds in a year, and save yourself the stress over how you’ll look for any number of special occasions.

2) Lift weights to save your bones, and keep you strong. The threat of bone loss is a worry for a lot of women, but beyond taking calcium they may have few ideas how to prevent it. Happily, research has shown that lifting even small weights builds bone mass, and may be our best protection against osteoporosis in our future.

If your schedule is too hectic to fit in going to the gym, you can do a lot at home with leg weights and barbells. Check out the excellent book, Strong Women Strong Bones, by Miriam Nelson and Sarah Wernick, Ph.D, for easy exercises and information. Daily activities like carrying groceries or kids will be far easier as you get a little stronger every day.

3) Pay a little more on everything you owe. If you have a mortgage, car payment, or credit card debt, chances are you can’t pay a chunk of money toward lessening your debt load. But chances are you can pay a little extra every month. Especially on high interest credit cards, this can save you a lot of interest charges, and remove the stress of owing so much. Your mortgage may also allow you to pay extra money to your principal whenever you want. Over the life of a 30 loan, the money you save could be significant.

4) Automatic savings. It can be hard to commit to saving for retirement or college tuition when it seems so far away. But that is exactly when you can gain the most from small amounts you put aside. There are plenty of calculations that show the younger you are when you start saving, the less actual money you have to save, and the more money you will accumulate over time.

If you are lucky enough to have a 401K or other plan where your employer matches a portion of your contribution, then extra money is there for you to take for free. If your budget is tight, you could still probably contribute a small amount without missing it much. You can always increase your savings later, and your nest egg will already be established and beginning to grow.

5) Create a habit of meditation. We tend to think of meditation as a way to deal with the stress we face now. But the more we practice, the better we get, and the more our practice makes us resistant to stress. Whatever the future holds for us, we will be more resilient and emotionally strong from the benefits meditation brings.

Overall, taking little steps now helps us drop a lot of our worries about the future; because we can take comfort that we are doing what we can to be prepared. We can look forward to a future where we are leaner, stronger, wealthier and more serene.

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How to Use Self Hypnosis to Relieve Stress

By Janet Wolfe | December 31, 2020

Do you experience stress from specific problems you just don’t know how to solve? If so, you might consider adding a little self-hypnosis to your arsenal of stress fighting weapons. Self-hypnosis can relieve stress much like meditation. It starts out with deep breathing and an awareness of the present moment. But whereas meditation seems to invoke our spiritual nature, self-hypnosis is especially suited to fix practical problems in our day to day physical world.

No hocus-pocus here.

Some people shy away from the idea of self-hypnosis because of “hypnotist” stage acts, which seem to delight in embarrassing audience members to their everlasting remorse. Self-hypnosis, in contrast, is far from silly and is totally under your control. If you’ve ever practiced Conscious Relaxation exercises, then you have already experienced the basic idea.

When we are in deep state of relaxation, our minds are more receptive to suggestions that help us modify our behavior or approach problems without fear. Things we wish we could change about ourselves or our circumstances can cause us a lot of stress if we feel we can’t fix them. Among popular uses for self-hypnosis you’ll find weight loss, stopping smoking, getting out of debt, or overcoming a fear public speaking, flying, or even asking your boss for a raise.

I have been doing self-hypnosis off and on since I was a pudgy teenager in a skinny world. It works well to change habits, deal with anger, or even to experience really deep muscle relaxation after a walk or yoga. I also meditate, and at least for me, there is a real physical difference I can feel between the two practices. So, I’ll use my own experience to see if I can set them apart.

Self-hypnosis focuses your attention of the sensation of your body as you feel it unwind.

As I mentioned above, self-hypnosis begins with slow, deep breathing, with instructions to relax. You can use guided hypnosis recordings, or simply think the suggestions to yourself.

After a moment or two of conscious breathing, you begin to instruct different parts of your body to relax even further. Starting from your feet and working up to your head, you tell yourself that each part of you feels heavier and heavier, and you allow yourself to experience this feeling of weight. You are very aware of your body. You might feel you are melting into the floor or the ground, becoming a part of the earth itself. Feel the sensation of relaxing your muscles, your skin, your blood vessels, and every part of you. You may even feel as if your entire body is just dissolving away.

A common technique while relaxing this way is to count backwards, mentally assigning a number to each part of your body as it continues to sink down. After you’ve practiced this for a while, the counting alone will relax your body without any additional cues. Leave your head for the last, as it is the hardest part of yourself to quiet down. You can repeat the final number as many times as you need to for your head to get with the program.

Only when your body is totally relaxed do you offer suggestions of how to change your life.

I can’t attest that this is true for everyone, but for me self-hypnosis relaxes my body more than meditation, while meditation is more relaxing to my mind. That doesn’t mean that self-hypnosis doesn’t relax my anxieties or feelings of stress. But conscious relaxation does not require the mind to be still. It just becomes so absorbed in the body’s relaxation that it doesn’t stray far away.

After your body is fully relaxed, you can begin to introduce ideas to change your stress causing behaviors. Something like, “My favorite foods are healthy and fresh. I enjoy how much better I feel when I eat less,” or, “I feel calm and prepared to speak before an audience. I am confident in my ability to speak, and I enjoy giving valuable information to others.”

Keep your suggestions positive.

I have tried self-hypnosis tapes which encouraged a form of aversion therapy, forming negative images of things like sweets or cigarettes which you want to avoid. I don’t personally recommend that idea.

Self-hypnosis will only let your thoughts take you where you really want to go. If you create icky images to associate with something you want to remove from your life, those negative thoughts stick with you. If you make them too revolting, you might decide to throw out your improvement program rather than the habit you want to change.

Picturing positive images of the change you want to see is far more appealing, and will draw you toward the action or situation you want to achieve.

So how are hypnotic suggestions different from daily affirmations?

It is really the deep level of physical relaxation that makes the difference. Affirmations can play easily in the background of your day, and you can say them as often as you choose to. Affirmations and self-hypnosis don’t interfere with each other. Your conscious mind hears your affirmations, while, the experts tell us, self-hypnosis has a better chance of being heard by your subconscious mind.

Return to full alertness with a recorded tone, or by counting up from 1 to 10.

Self hypnosis recordings are especially helpful if you fear you’ll fall asleep. With or without them, you set your intention to return awake and refreshed, count forward again, and stretch your body back to life. You should find your muscles far less kinked and your mind less stressed and ready to take charge.

If you use recordings, be sure and find a guiding voice that you enjoy. Recently I have begun using brain entrainment music containing self-hypnotic messages, and I am very impressed. The music is lovely, and the voice especially soothing. I’ll let you know in a few months if I make new progress.

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