SGM September 2013 Weekly Message 1: “What To Do When Things Are Not Working!”
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Welcome to the September 2013 Edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM!
This week we begin a four-month series based on the personal growth and healing classic “The 12 Stages of Healing,” by Dr. Donald M. Epstein (Amber-Allen, 1994). This book contains a step-by-step process to move from suffering in any form to wholeness and success in whatever you want to accomplish. Whether you are dealing with negative circumstances such as financial, relationship, or health concerns or more internal struggles with negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, this book provides the keys to moving from where you are to where you want to be.
Each month for the next four months, we’ll explore three of these Stages. To this I’ll add a “Meditation of the Month” and, in those months that have five Sundays, Bonus Weekly Messages covering answers to your most frequently asked questions. I hope that you’ll dive right into this series from Week One and stick with it all the way through, so you benefit from each stage along the way. I believe this material will help you in whatever other Mind-Body Training Programs you are following and give you powerful insights that you can continue to use and learn from for the rest of your life.
Before we get into Stage One, let me suggest some possibilities. As we go through these stages, based on your life experiences and the personal growth work that you’ve done up to this point, you will likely identify with certain stages of this process more than others. You may also be at different stages in different areas of your life. And, you may discover that you’ve already gone through many of these stages without knowing it, and that understanding them better will help you go back and complete them consciously, so you can really move forward.
No matter what you discover on your way through these stages, I suggest that you adopt a curious, learner’s attitude, so that you’re open to really seeing what you need to see, without judging yourself for any shortcomings. All of us go through these 12 Stages in one way or another and wherever you find yourself in this process now is O.K., and appropriate to what is happening in your life.
You will move through these stages naturally by observing what applies to you in any given stage and taking the steps appropriate for you. In other words, take your time and get what you can from each step along the way. That’s one reason why I’ve chosen for us to explore these 12 Stages over the course of four months—so we can really get the most from this process.
With these suggestions in mind, let’s get right into Stage One.
Frankly, this is a stage we’d probably all like to just skip past. However, it’s by going through this Stage and not avoiding it, or distracting ourselves from it, that we set the whole healing process in motion. Stage One is called “Suffering.”
“Suffering?” you might say, “Why is Suffering important for healing?” Isn’t that what we’re trying to get away from? Aren’t we supposed to stop being victims, take responsibility for our lives, and focus on the positive? Aren’t we supposed to be generating good feelings? Isn’t that how we raise our vibration?
In this message, we’ll explore why it’s important to go through Stage One, so that you can move forward into those better feeling stages ahead.
Suffering is a Wake-Up Call. It alerts us that there’s something we need to see, some insight we need to gain, some part of ourselves that is calling for attention. Suffering usually appears as an obstacle, like a frustrating job, a relationship tangled in conflict, or a physical ailment that is causing pain and hardship.
When we find ourselves in the midst of these experiences, it’s natural to seek an immediate cure or a quick fix, so we can get on with living life as we know it. We might say to ourselves, “I have to get rid of this feeling” and try to cover up the symptoms or distract ourselves so we don’t feel them. We might take a day off from work, go out with some friends to forget all about it, drink a couple glasses of red wine, or get lost in a movie—all of which could be fine and healthy—except in this case.
When something important is really deeply calling our attention, these moments of relief are only going to prolong our suffering. A part of us needs to change, integrate, or be left behind and we can’t avoid that. Suffering tells us that a part of us is rigid and inflexible and needs to be let go or integrated in the wider scope of “who we are.” In such moments, it’s important not to deny, escape, intellectualize about, or distract ourselves from what is happening.
Healing is called for and anything less than that isn’t going to cut it. Anything less than that will mean circling around the same pattern of suffering until we just can’t take it anymore.
The key insight of Stage One is that it’s absolutely essential that we acknowledge our suffering versus avoiding it, distracting ourselves, or numbing out.
As Epstein says, “When you simply surrender to the stage of Suffering and allow suffering to happen, an important shift in consciousness takes place. As you stop fighting and give over to the suffering, it envelopes you, it encases you.” (p.16, 12SOH)
Now, that might not seem like a good thing. However, it is this direct experience of suffering that is important at this moment. That is what opens the door to the next stage of healing. You need to feel where you are at, right now, amidst this suffering, and acknowledge that it feels bad. Epstein says, “You need to amplify the voice within that is attempting to tell you, “Wake up!” (p.17, 12SOH)
So, contrary to our natural and generally positive inclination to try to feel better right away, in this stage, it’s actually important to experience that, “nothing is working right now. I am suffering. And, as I am right now, I am helpless to do anything about it.”
This is important because the experience of suffering helps you sever ties to ways of being that no longer serve you. It’s important that these old ways of being feel bad to you, so you become ready and willing to give them up. It is time for an old way of being to die, so that something new can happen. When you have a direct and undeniable experience of suffering, it makes a memorable mark that will set you on a mission of personal and spiritual growth.
In 1997, I had taken a two-year “break” from my career as a trainer and writer and was doing sales for a music distribution company. The company was not managed well and was floundering, so there was a lot of stress in the office. I would often sell music to our accounts and find that we did not have the stock to ship. In my position, trying to increase sales, this was increasingly frustrating.
Seemingly out of nowhere, I developed an incredibly intense pain that emanated from my left shoulder blade and shot into the back of my left arm. The pain was so intense that I literally couldn’t do anything but hunch over and try to breathe—for seven weeks. I couldn’t sit up straight or lie down flat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work.
I tried chiropractic, hot water pool therapy, painkillers, supplements, electrical muscle stimulation, cranial sacral therapy, Reiki—you name it. And nothing touched the pain. It’s like the pain was impervious to intervention. No matter how many “good things” I tried to do for myself, the pain persisted. This was a crushing experience for someone who was known for being healthy, strong, and knowledgeable about the body, the mind, and health.
After seven weeks of no sleep and utter fatigue, I was completely broken down by the pain. I felt helpless. Nothing was working and I was spent. Whatever I was doing, whatever I was attached to, however I was defining myself right then was not working. After seven weeks, I had no more energy to fight. I acknowledged that I just didn’t know what to do.
That was actually something of a relief and I believe it was the completion of Stage One in this situation.
Then, it occurred to me to ask my pain if it had a message for me. The message was simple, “Enough of this job. Get back to doing what you came here to do—Now.”
So, I quit my job. I tried another one and quit that, too. Then I went back to working with clients as a trainer. I went through a training program to become a certified qigong meditation instructor. I got back to growing my mind-body training business, writing, and learning how to grow an online publishing company.
As you can see, this was no instant process. It took time to come to fruition. It wasn’t like I had a flash of insight about exactly how to go about all this. Yet, the pain began to subside almost immediately when I made the first decision to quit the sales job and get back on my path.
Interestingly, it’s now 16 years later and I still haven’t regained 100% strength in my left arm. I still work on that area between my shoulder blades daily. That suffering left a mark for me to remember. I believe that mark is a reminder to stay on my path and keep moving forward, no matter how uncertain or scary it feels.
That suffering was important for me. It initiated me on a path of growth. In Stage One of this path all that is needed is “acknowledgment of suffering.” It’s important just to be present in the suffering, fully immersed in it, to the point that you know there’s nothing you can do right now from the place you are because nothing works “as you are now.”
Stage One doesn’t feel comfortable. Those around you likely won’t feel comfortable seeing you suffer either. They will understandably want you to get better right away. They may tell you everything is alright, it will pass, or other comments intended to make you feel better. But, you can’t feel better in this stage, and it’s important that you don’t. You need suffering to wake up. Others can help you by acknowledging the suffering that you’re experiencing, without trying to make it better.
In this stage, you don’t have to know what’s causing your suffering or have any clue as to how to move forward. Simple acknowledgment is all that is needed.
So, the answer to the title of this Weekly Message, “What to do when things aren’t working” is—first, acknowledge your suffering. For example, you might simply say, “I hate this job and I am suffering here.”
To help you complete Stage One, Epstein offers a simple breathing exercise. Whether you currently find yourself in the midst of any specific suffering or not, I think you’ll find this exercise brings insight on a visceral level. It only takes a few minutes.
Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Place your hands, one on top of the other, palms down on your upper chest, near your collarbones. For one to two minutes, breathe just deep enough to feel the rhythm of your upper chest rising and falling under your hands. Notice how you feel or any words that come up.
Move your hands down near the bottom of your sternum and breathe just deep enough to feel this area rise and fall for one to two minutes. Notice how you feel or any words that come up.
Move your hands down to your navel and breathe so you feel just this area rise and fall for one to two minutes. Notice how you feel or any words that come up.
If any area feels very challenging or brings up intense emotions as you breathe into it, you can move on to the next area. Allow the feeling in the areas of greater comfort to spread to the areas of discomfort.
In our Discussion below, I would like to hear anything that comes up as you do this simple breathing exercise or about anything in this Weekly Message.
In next week’s message, we’ll explore the next stage of healing in which we discover inner polarities and rhythms and understand our desire to reach outside ourselves to find answers.
Until next time,
See if it can be O.K. to be uncomfortable and not know what to do,
Kevin