SGM October 2013 Weekly Message One: “Reclaiming Your Power”
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Welcome to the October 2013 Edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM!
This month we continue our exploration of “The 12 Stages of Healing” (Amber-Allen, 1994) by Dr. Donald M. Epstein. For any of you who were not with us last month and as a review for those who were:
This book describes a step-by-step process to move from suffering in any form to wholeness and success in whatever you want to accomplish. Whether you are dealing with negative circumstances such as financial, relationship, or health concerns or more internal struggles with negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, this book provides a powerful path for moving from where you are to where you want to be.
As you go through these stages, based on your life experiences and the personal growth work that you’ve done up to this point, you will likely identify with certain stages of this process more than others. You may also be at different stages in different areas of your life. And, you may discover that you’ve already gone through many of these stages without knowing it, and that understanding them better will help you go back and complete them consciously, so you can really move forward.
Our theme this month is “Reclaiming Your Power!” That is also the name of the fourth Stage of Healing. Before we get to that inspiring topic, let’s quickly review the first three stages that brought us to this point.
We begin the first stage of healing in the grips of some pain, obstacle, or suffering in our life. There’s something that is not working for us. The key insight of Stage One is that it’s absolutely essential that we acknowledge our suffering versus avoiding it, distracting ourselves, or numbing out.
As Epstein says, “When you simply surrender to the stage of Suffering and allow suffering to happen, an important shift in consciousness takes place. As you stop fighting and give over to the suffering, it envelopes you, it encases you.” (p.16, 12SOH)
Now, that might not seem like a good thing. However, it is this direct experience of suffering that is important at this moment. That is what opens the door to the next stage of healing. You need to feel where you are at, right now, amidst this suffering, and acknowledge that it feels bad. Epstein says, “You need to amplify the voice within that is attempting to tell you, “Wake up!” (p.17, 12SOH)
So, contrary to our natural and generally positive inclination to try to feel better right away, in this stage, it’s actually important to experience that, “nothing is working right now. I am suffering. And, as I am right now, I am helpless to do anything about it.”
This is important because the experience of suffering helps you sever ties to ways of being that no longer serve you. It’s important that these old ways of being feel bad to you, so you become ready and willing to give them up. It is time for an old way of being to die, so that something new can happen. When you have a direct and undeniable experience of suffering, it makes a memorable mark that will set you on a mission of personal and spiritual growth.
In Stage Two, we realize that there might be a pattern in our suffering and that pattern is not “out there in circumstances or what others are doing” but “within us.”
We begin to notice a connection between our symptoms and ailments and the events in our lives. We start to notice patterns repeating themselves over and over again. We find ourselves in the same “bad jobs,” the same “dysfunctional relationships,” and dealing with the same pains and poor financial situations, again and again.
Then, we start to wonder if maybe it’s not some outside force that’s going to rescue us, but maybe it’s more about healing ourselves on the inside. When we open to the idea that what’s wrong is a pattern of suffering within us, and realize that we participate in that pattern through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we complete Stage Two.
At this stage, we don’t have to know exactly what this pattern is or exactly what our role is in it. We simply need to acknowledge the basic idea of “having different internal patterns” and “our personal involvement in these patterns.”
As we enter Stage Three, Dr. Epstein says, “we will experience an uneasy feeling that ‘my body (or mind) is holding onto something’ or ‘I want to move ahead, but I can’t.’ In other words, we realize we are stuck in an old way of seeing things—we are stuck in a perspective. This realization may occur gradually or suddenly.” (p.43, 12SOH)
We start to see that the Suffering we experienced in Stage One is related to that pattern we discovered in Stage Two which is connected to an outlook on life. This leads to an important realization. As Epstein says, “When we realize that we are stuck in a perspective, we also realize that we are responsible for the result.” (p.45, 12SOH)
With that insight, we start to accept a greater degree of responsibility for our sufferings and disappointments. We may not know exactly how we are looking at things, or how this relates to the experiences we’re having, but we have the basic idea that our outlook is connected to what we are experiencing in life and we acknowledge that we might be able to do something about that.
Going through these first three stages sets us up for an important resolution in Stage Four.
Epstein says that the phrase that best expresses this stage is “I’m not going to take this anymore.” (p.61, 12SOH) You start to feel things like “I deserve better,” “I can’t keep selling myself short,” and “I want my power back.”
At this point, you have two different options. For many, if not most people, the first inclination is to separate themselves from what is causing their pain. For example, leaving a job you hate or a relationship that is dragging you down or moving to a new part of the country. You want to get away from that thing “out there” that is causing you to suffer.
Yet, as we learned in Stage Three, the results in our lives have a lot more to do with perspectives that we’re holding onto, repeating patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting that we’re responsible for because they are “inside us.”
This leads to a possible second option in Stage Four—and the one that will take us on through to the next stages. This option is, as Epstein says, to “assume a greater degree of responsibility for the deeper, less obvious factors that may underlie our situation. . .We have now achieved a sense of self strong enough to realize that we have dishonored our inner essence.” (p.63, 12 SOH) In other words, it’s time to reclaim and stand up for “who we are.”
Now, at this point, having chosen the second option of taking responsibility, you might be tempted to get busy doing good stuff for yourself. You might start exercising, eating better, taking classes, meditating, hiring a life coach, starting a new business, etc. While all of these can be really great things to do, it’s important not to get too busy with all this stuff. If you’re too busy with expansive activities, you may not allow time and space to really see and feel what you’ve been doing up to this point. You may distract yourself from coming to a natural, organic clarity and inspiration for the best steps forward.
So, rather than rushing off to do something new, Stage Four is a time to just get really clear on the need to reclaim your inner power. At this point, you may not have specific insight on exactly what to do, but you are clear that how you are relating to your life as a powerless victim has got to stop and you are ready to make a stand for who you are and what you are here to do.
To complete Stage Four you simply need to come to the deep-felt decision to honor your true self. You acknowledge that you are more than you are allowing yourself to be. You firmly and resolutely won’t allow yourself to do that anymore.
With that resolution, Epstein tells us that, “When changes are necessary, our internal wisdom will tell us exactly what we need. If we are not sure whether we need to change, it may be that our body-mind has not yet healed enough to accommodate that change. Change becomes effortless at the appropriate stage in our healing.” (p.65, 12 SOH)
However, Stage Four tells us that, before we reach that point, it’s vital to really feel our desire to honor ourselves and take back our power. At first, this may come out as an angry desire to stand up for yourself and protect what is important to you. This is natural and important. It makes a strong mark in you, a reference point, that tells you “from this point forward my life will be different.”
Your anger also tells you that you are still in Stage Four. You need to sit with that feeling until it settles into a firm resolve. That firm resolve is essential to move forward. It will be challenging to change your ways because other parts of you will try to go back to your old ways and other people will encourage you to maintain the status quo—so you’ll need to constantly remember what you are doing and why.
When you are ready to move into action, the angry charge will dissipate and you will feel an unshakable determination that is joined by effortless inspiration to take specific actions. You can look forward to that in the stages ahead.
For now, in Stage Four, Epstein provides a simple breathing exercise along with three affirmations that will support you in honoring yourself and moving through Stage Four completely and effectively. Here’s the exercise:
(adapted from p.74, 12SOH)
This technique is called Alternate Nostril Breathing. We’ve practiced this before here on SGM. It’s pretty simple to do.
Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Take a few moments to check in with your body and notice how you feel.
Raise your right hand just in front of your nose. Use your first finger to close your left nostril. Breathe in and out fairly quickly through your right nostril. Release your left nostril and close your right nostril with your thumb. Breathe in and out fairly quickly through your left nostril. Practice this alternate nostril breathing for a minute or two. This activates both sides of your brain and brings your body into energetic balance.
After you have practiced Alternate Nostril breathing for a minute or two, place your left hand on your chest and feel it rise and fall as you breathe. Then, move your left hand to any parts of your torso that do not feel like they are moving freely with your breathing. As you feel these “stuck” areas, say the following affirmations:
-“I take my power back.”
-“I honor my total being.”
-“I reclaim my wholeness.”
When you feel a nice shift into these empowered feelings, sit or lie quietly and notice anything you feel. Notice any changes from the beginning to the end of this practice.
I would love to hear your questions and comments about this exercise and about anything in this Weekly Message in our Discussion below.
In next Week’s Message, we’ll explore how to work with those parts of ourselves that seem “negative” and understand how they can be welcomed and integrated as part of our Whole Being.
Until next time,
How can you better honor the essence of who you are?
Kevin