SGM Nov. 2013 Weekly Message One: “How To Welcome Infinite Possibilities!”
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Welcome to the November 2013 Edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM.
I hope you’ve been tracking with me as we move through our four-month series based on the classic “The 12 Stages of Healing,” by Dr. Donald Epstein. This book is a phenomenal blueprint for how we can move from a state of suffering and limitation in any area of our lives into empowerment and success.
So, if you have any area of your life in which you are not yet living the life you’ve imagined or truly desire, I highly encourage you to apply this process to it and see where it takes you. This could be a work or career issue, a relationship that needs some help, self-care that you’ve wanted to get started with but haven’t been able to yet, or anything that you’d like to grow in your life.
If you’ve been following along these past couple months, I hope you’ve had some powerful insights and shifts. If you’re just joining us now, I’ll review the first seven stages we’ve covered so far, so you can follow along with us now. You may have gone through these first seven stages with different life issues without even knowing it.
We begin the first stage of healing in the grips of some pain, obstacle, or suffering in our life. There’s something that is not working for us. The key insight of Stage One is that it’s absolutely essential that we acknowledge our suffering versus avoiding it, distracting ourselves, or numbing out.
This direct experience of suffering is what opens the door to the next stage of healing. You need to feel where you are at, right now, amidst this suffering, and acknowledge that it feels bad, so that you become ready to give your healing some conscious focus and attention. As Epstein says, “You need to amplify the voice within that is attempting to tell you, “Wake up!” (p.17, 12SOH)
Contrary to our natural and generally positive inclination to try to feel better right away, in this stage, it’s actually important to experience that, “nothing is working right now. I am suffering. And, as I am right now, I am helpless to do anything about it.”
In Stage Two, we realize that there might be a pattern in our suffering and that pattern is not “out there in circumstances or what others are doing” but “within us.”
We begin to notice a connection between our symptoms and ailments and the events in our lives. We start to notice patterns repeating themselves over and over again. We find ourselves in the same “bad jobs,” the same “dysfunctional relationships,” and dealing with the same pains and poor financial situations, again and again.
We start to wonder if maybe it’s not some outside force that’s going to rescue us, but maybe it’s more about healing ourselves on the inside. When we open to the idea that what’s wrong is a pattern of suffering within us, and realize that we participate in that pattern through our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we complete Stage Two.
At this point, we don’t have to know exactly what this pattern is or exactly what our role is in it. We simply need to acknowledge the basic idea of “having different internal patterns” and “our personal involvement in these patterns.”
As we enter Stage Three, Dr. Epstein says, “we will experience an uneasy feeling that ‘my body (or mind) is holding onto something’ or ‘I want to move ahead, but I can’t.’ In other words, we realize we are stuck in an old way of seeing things—we are stuck in a perspective. This realization may occur gradually or suddenly.” (p.43, The 12 Stages of Healing)
We start to see that the Suffering we experienced in Stage One is related to that pattern we discovered in Stage Two which is connected to an outlook on life. This leads to an important realization. As Epstein says, “When we realize that we are stuck in a perspective, we also realize that we are responsible for the result.” (p.45, 12SOH)
With that insight, we start to accept a greater degree of responsibility for our sufferings and disappointments. We may not know exactly how we are looking at things, or how this relates to the experiences we’re having, but we have the basic idea that our outlook is connected to what we are experiencing in life and we acknowledge that we might be able to do something about that.
Going through these first three stages sets us up for an important resolution in Stage Four.
Epstein says that the phrase that best expresses this stage is “I’m not going to take this anymore.” (p.61, 12SOH) You start to feel things like “I deserve better,” “I can’t keep selling myself short,” and “I want my power back.”
With this realization, you have two different options. For many, if not most people, the first inclination is to separate themselves from what is causing their pain. For example, leaving a job you hate or a relationship that is dragging you down or moving to a new part of the country. You want to get away from that thing “out there” that is causing you to suffer.
Yet, as we learned in Stage Three, the results in our lives have a lot more to do with perspectives that we’re holding onto, repeating patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting that we’re responsible for because they are “inside us.”
This leads to a possible second option in Stage Four—and the one that will take us on through to the next stages. This option is, as Epstein says, to “assume a greater degree of responsibility for the deeper, less obvious factors that may underlie our situation. . .We have now achieved a sense of self strong enough to realize that we have dishonored our inner essence.” (p.63, 12 SOH) In other words, it’s time to reclaim and stand up for “who we are.”
Stage Four is a time to get really clear on the need to reclaim your inner power. At this point, you may not have specific insight on exactly what to do, but you are clear that how you are relating to your life as a powerless victim has got to stop and you are ready to make a stand for who you are and what you are here to do.
To complete Stage Four you simply need to come to the deep-felt decision to honor your true self. You acknowledge that you are more than you are allowing yourself to be. You firmly and resolutely won’t allow yourself to do that anymore.
This leads you to Stage Five in which you are asked to step outside your neatly-defined concept of self and your normal beliefs and routines that give you a sense of certainty and control. In Stage Five you are challenged and asked to expand. You are asked to welcome the parts of you which you have dishonored or ignored.
A primary way you can do this is by learning to observe the process behind your experiences of suffering. You “merge with” your suffering, so you can discover the alienated parts of you that are speaking to you through your suffering. This becomes possible because, at this stage on your healing journey, you are strong enough and enlightened enough to know that you “are not” your suffering. In other words, you don’t take your suffering personally, but simply see it as a pattern of self-limitation caused by the fact that you have cut yourself off from a part of you because of some painful experience you had in the past.
Having come through Stage Four, you are ready to honor your deepest essence and make a stand for living more fully. You are no longer willing to live inside your small safe sense of self. You are ready to confront what scares you. You are in contact with a deeper presence from which you can witness the lost parts of yourself and welcome them back into your inner family.
In Stage Six, you may naturally find yourself inspired to make lifestyle changes and take up self-care practices, such as eating healthy, exercising, meditating, and committing to living your life purpose. Before Stage Six, you may have been resistant to these practices, even if you “knew they were good for you.” Now, you find yourself naturally drawn to them. You are ready to make new positive commitments to yourself.
In Stage Seven you come to resolution with your “old stuff.” You discharge, release, and let go of anything that no longer serves you. This is sometimes accompanied by a “healing crisis.” This is a necessary moment in the healing process. Though it doesn’t feel good, it is a signal that you are about to make a significant leap forward “out of the old into the new.” You may feel the farthest away from a new level when you are right at the edge of entering that new territory. What many of us would label as “illness” is often the body trying to discharge something you no longer want or need.
In Stage Seven, you have the ability to witness what is going on inside you and allow discharge to happen, because you’ve come to see how these releases help you move to new levels.
Now, you may find yourself feeling fearful, resentful, victimized, lonely, or guilty when you encounter the need to let go. These feelings could keep you stuck or indicate that you’re not quite ready to let go yet. That’s O.K. You may just need a little more time to go through the previous stages a bit more fully.
When you fully reach Stage Seven, you will have learned to trust the process of your healing, so that, as challenging feelings arise, you are able to let them go, too—so you can allow a deeper shift to take place within you. You have faith that what is happening is guided by a higher intelligence and that the ultimate result of letting go will be good, even if it is a bit scary, because it’s unknown exactly what that result will be.
This brings us to the stage in the healing process that we’ll explore this week, Stage Eight.
Stage Eight is that moment after letting go that can feel like a mixture of relief, openness, and uncertainty. Dr. Epstein describes this as “the stage of emptiness, vulnerability, and possibilities. Emptiness is the portal that leads us to higher states of awareness.” (p.129, 12SOH)
In this stage, you might feel like you’ve just weathered a storm. Yet you may be wondering if the storm is really done. You feel relief, but also some uncertainty. Or, to use some visceral metaphors, this stage can feel like the relief you have after you’ve just thrown up, emptied your bladder, or moved through an intense fever. You feel a bit opened up, raw, and vulnerable. You feel relieved but not quite ready to move forward.
There is an important “emptiness” that comes after you’ve released what no longer serves you and before you embrace something new. It can be tempting, in this emptiness to try to reach back for what you’ve known, even though you know it’s gone and it doesn’t serve you anymore. Or, you might have the desire to rush off to something new to fill the void left by your letting go.
However, it’s important to allow some time “between.” Whether that between is between jobs, relationships, or new activities. Allow some time for things to settle. This will insure that your next step is the right one for you. You don’t want that next step to just be that old job, relationship, or habit returning with new clothing.
While emptiness might not sound all that appealing, it’s important. As Epstein says, “emptiness creates room for new possibilities and connections . . . emptiness, when timed correctly in the healing process, leads to freedom rather than to limitation, because it means we have not attached our conscious reality to one particular perspective.” (p.130-131, 12SOH)
This moment when we are not yet embedded in a new perspective, a specific way of seeing and doing things, is one of those important moments, because it is when you can really survey the scene and make a great new choice. This moment before you commit to moving forward should be valued and savored. It is an opportunity for openness to infinite possibilities.
So, if you’ve released a job, relationship, habit, or any pattern that wasn’t serving you, take a little time, give yourself a little space, enjoy the emptiness. Breathe and enjoy that moment. In this moment, all things are possible, but none yet chosen.
“All potential realities exist in a field of emptiness, which really is a state of ‘everything-ness’ that cannot be perceived. This field of emptiness is like a holding bin for all possible realities that exist at once.” (p.133-134, 12SOH)
When the moment is right, the right new opportunity will appear before you. It may come to you in steps, in a series of learnings. You may find yourself drawn to taking in new insights, techniques, or teachings. New and interesting people may enter your life carrying just the right insight, technique, or support that you need as you begin to reinvent yourself in a new way.
Then, when the time is right, your new path will naturally take shape. Epstein quotes an old college professor of his who loved the saying, “Create an emptiness and it shall be filled.” (p.132, 12SOH) Epstein likewise says that, “I view emptiness as a dynamic state of readiness in which we are poised to move on to discover new realities.” (p.133, 12SOH)
To help you take full advantage of this in-between time of emptiness, here’s a mind-body exercise suggested by Dr. Epstein.
(p.146, 12SOH)
Begin by sitting or lying down in a quiet, private environment. Tell any others who need to know that you are taking a little quiet time. Lightly close your eyes.
Place the second, third, and fourth fingers of one hand on the lower part of your sternum, near your heart. Place the second, third, and fourth fingers of the other hand in the middle of your forehead and between your eyebrows. Bring your elbows as far forward as is comfortable.
Breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose for one to two minutes. Imagine and feel as if your exhalation is moving out through the two areas you are touching, your forehead and sternum. This is a great way to connect your heart and mind and tune into your deeper inner essence.
Finish by declaring this affirmation or something similar that resonates with you:
“I look, listen, and feel deeply. I take counsel within.”
When you are ready to conclude, take a few moments to open your eyes slowly and take in the space around you.
I would like to hear your experiences with this exercise in the Comments below.
In next week’s message, we’ll explore the Universal Light, the Life Energy that enlivens us all!
Until next time,
Take time to appreciate the open space in-between activities and commitments,
Kevin