Question of the Month: “How to Deal with Negative Thoughts and Feelings”
Welcome Members to our March Question of the Month. Kevin Schoeninger here.
This week, we continue our discussion of working with resistance. As we saw last week, resistance comes in many forms including negative thoughts, feelings, tension, and unease. Last week, we talked about seven practices for releasing from resistance so that we can be present in the present moment.
This week, we will talk about a three-step process for shifting from a state of resistance into a state of Core Energetic Awareness, another way of describing presence in the present moment. You’ll see how the seven practices from last week can fit into this process.
The questions that came to me via email were these:
“What do you suggest when a negative thought(s) seems to keep coming back even after refocusing?”
“How can I completely let go of my fears and live in an experience of inner peace and Trust?”
In the first two weeks of this month, we have seen how fear and negative thoughts come from identifying one’s self with the egoic mind. Deeply understanding this insight and living from an experience of presence in the present moment will prevent fear and negativity from arising. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in that enlightened state all the time? We’re all headed there eventually.
While we are on our way to that state of being, the following process is invaluable. The process has three steps which I call the 3Rs.
In “The Power of Practice Program” I describe the 3Rs in great detail from the point of view of perception and meaning contexts. Those who have read The Power of Practice can pick up with what you know from there and add to it with the following version. In this message, I give you a slight variation of the 3Rs from the point of view of emotion. It goes like this:
The 3Rs:
Whenever you notice any negative feeling, tension, or unease arising in your experience:
Step 1: Recognize your negative feeling. Since we are talking about an unpleasant feeling, the recognition step can be a challenge. Most of us would just like to avoid the whole “negative” feeling and get on with something “better.”
We can try to avoid negative feelings by getting busy with all the things we have to do, or by entertaining ourselves, or getting involved with buying stuff, or eating stuff, or drinking stuff to cover it over. I call it all stuff because these things can “stuff” our feelings. Not that any of those are “bad” activities, but they can be a way that we cover our unwanted feelings.
If we’ve done some spiritual growth work and understand the power of positive emotion, we may be just as likely to avoid negative states by stamping more positive ones on top of them. That can be another “cover-up.”
Fortunately, covering over negative emotions, leads to an internal build-up that can either move in the direction of depression or rage–more intense unpleasant experiences. Why do I say “fortunately?” Those both sound like very unfortunate results. Am I making light of those experiences? Not at all.
I say fortunate, because in those more intense unpleasant states, we may be more likely to have an intense “Aha” about the purpose of negative emotion.
When we recognize it, our negative feelings can be a strong signal from our deeper being to come into alignment. Negative emotion can be a great wake-up call. It can lead us to great insight.
The next time you are feeling negative, tense, or uneasy, try this out: Instead of rushing to cover it over or to get on with the next thing in your life, take a moment to acknowledge, accept, and label the feeling.
Here’s a very simple example: “I am ticked off at that car for pulling in front of me.”
One hint: You can more easily recognize and accept negative feelings if you see them as allies. They arise to point something out to you. If you pay attention and go a little deeper, they can point you toward what you are here to do right now. They can point you toward your own-most possibilities.
Once you’ve recognized, accepted, and labeled your feeling, you can go on to Step 2.
Step 2: Release yourself from your negative feeling. The act of recognition and acceptance itself begins your release from the grip of negative feeling. It brings a little bit of consciousness into what arose subconsciously. There’s a small opening in your experience, through which a little light is shining in. It may be a tiny little light, so continue.
If you are willing to go a little deeper into the nature of your feeling, you will see that your feeling was the result of a way that you were looking at things. See the way of thinking that generated that experience and realize that you don’t have to think about things in that way. When you see that the way you are looking at things is giving you the experience you are having, you understand that you can change the way you are looking at things to have a different experience. This insight further loosens the hold of negative emotion. Back to our example:
“I see that I’m in a hurry. That’s why I’m ticked off. So what if I’m ten minutes later than I planned. I really don’t need to rush. That person must be in a rush, too. I’m just putting more pressure on him or her. I don’t want to do that either. . .”
The contrast of how you don’t want to feel can point you toward what you do want to feel. What you don’t want can give you insight about what you do want. By that contrast, you become more aware. Repeated experiences of contrast enable you to become more specific about your desires. Contrast gives consciousness and invites expansion. (Ahh, I can hear Abraham-Hicks applauding in the background, but that’s a tale for next month. Stay tuned.)
O.K. so the traffic example is simple. It’s good to practice on simple experiences, to get good at this process. Then you can apply it to the bigger events and relationships in life. The same process applies, it just may be harder to find release when the emotion runs stronger and deeper.
Here’s where the 7 Practices from Eckhart Tolle, that we talked about last week, can come in. Experiment and use your favorites to help you release. As you practice this process, you’ll find many of your own release techniques. Use what works for you. (You can also find a list of 12 Release Techniques in the version of the 3Rs in the SGM Toolkit. Yes, the process is worded differently there. My hope is that hearing “the same thing” many different ways gives a broader and deeper understanding.)
Now, back to our story:
Once you let go, once some of that pent-up energy is released, you are ready for Step 3.
Step 3: Return to Core Energetic Awareness.
As you release from the grip of negative emotion, you will begin to feel less tension and more connection to who you are.
Back to our traffic example: “I’m starting to feel more relaxed already. I feel more like myself. I’m actually kinda’ glad that this traffic slowed me down. I needed this break in my day. It’s a good opportunity to take a deep breath.”
If you have the time, you can be more detailed and intentional about returning to alignment with your self. The Core Energy Technique is a good way to do this:
Instructions for the Core Energy Technique:
A) Feel your body as a whole from the inside. Feel all your cells at once. Feel the inner space of your body as relaxed, open, and clear awareness. Physicists have found that matter is actually more spacious than solid. Feel the spacious energetic awareness that you are at a primary level.
B) Breathe into your body as a whole. Feel as if your in-breath fills your body evenly and completely. Exhale and feel as if your body empties out completely.
C) Smile into every cell. Smile from your heart with the feelings of appreciation, gratitude, and trust. Let the feeling of smiling saturate every cell. Feel how your heart’s smile relaxes, clears, and integrates your energy.
The Core Energy Technique puts you in a state of conscious energetic coherence. I call this state Core Energetic Awareness. When you are in an inner state of coherence you feel peaceful, positive, and trusting. The outer events in your life will mirror this inner quality and alignment.
Core Energetic Awareness has three key elements:
- Connection with your Core or essence. You are a part of the One Field.
- Sensitivity to your inner feelings and to subtle energies in the One Field.
- Awareness: being conscious and discerning about what your experiences and feelings are telling you.
Because of these three elements, Core Energetic Awareness is your Inner Navigation System. It enables you to discern your feelings and to know how they relate to what you are here to do right now in the larger Field in which you live. It enables you to see how your life brings you experiences that you need to expand who you are here and now.
When you are in a state of Core Energetic Awareness, you will sense subtle inner urges that point you in the right direction. You will sense what others need as well and be able to respond appropriately. You will discover a sense of vitality, ease, and inspiration that permeates and guides everything that you do.
When resistance comes up, work with it as an ally. See that it is your self asking you to let go and expand in that moment. As many times as negative thoughts, feelings, tensions or unease arises, you can use the 3Rs to recognize your feeling, gain insight from it and release from its grip, and return to Core Energetic Awareness with expanded consciousness. As you get accustomed to this enlightened state, you will learn to live from it and return to it to as a way of life.
This week, I suggest that you practice the 3Rs with at least one instance of unpleasant feeling each day. Start with subtle irritation at something small. Then, as you get good at it, use the 3Rs to shift your state of being when needed during the more important events and relationships of your life.
Please share your questions, insights, and experiences with the community by using the Comments section at the end of this message.
Also, mark your calendar for our first Meditation Call, next Sunday the 23rd, and for our Group Coaching Call on Sunday March 30th. Check your email for call-in details.
Until next time,
Happy Practicing,
Kevin