SGM October 2016 Weekly Message Two: “Two Insights That Free You From Suffering”
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Welcome back to the October 2016 Edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM!
Freedom From Suffering?
Can you imagine going to the dentist for a root canal and not needing anesthesia? Or being able to bounce back from the pain of losing a loved one without re-living the suffering of your loss day after day? While these may seem like dramatically different scenarios, they have one thing in common—an ability to free yourself from the suffering usually tied to pain.
In this week’s message, you’ll discover how to transform physical and emotional pain, so you free yourself from suffering.
Now, most of us have grown up learning that pain is something to be avoided. In fact, we have whole industries based on this premise. From painkillers like OxyContin and Percocet, to mood drugs like Xanax, Prozac, and Valium, doctors hand out prescriptions like candy to help us deal with physical or mental-emotional pain and stress.
Now, certainly, these drugs can provide welcome short-term relief when needed. However, what if all these drugs are poor long-term solutions? What if they end up covering up, perpetuating, and even exacerbating the cause of your distress rather than addressing and resolving the cause?
And, what if you have an ability to transform how you relate to pain and suffering in a way that not only releases you from suffering, but also heals the cause of your pain itself? In this week’s message, you’ll learn two fascinating insights and a technique that empowers you to do just that!
Let’s begin by revising the basic premise cited above. What if instead of pain being something to try to avoid, it is a signal that alerts you to pay attention? What if the purpose of pain is to get you to acknowledge something and take action on it? What if there is an important message in your pain?
If that is the case, then instead of trying to distract yourself from your pain or kill it, it’s important that you learn to acknowledge it, turn toward it, and seek to understand what it is asking you to do.
Now, in the case of physical injuries, this may seem pretty straightforward. For example, I cut myself while dicing vegetables, it hurts, and this signals me to clean the wound, apply pressure to stop the bleeding, and use a bandage. With a minor cut, this is probably all that’s required.
You might also make a mental note to be more careful and mindful when cutting veggies the next time. Maybe you’d been rushing around getting stressed from the feeling of having too much to do and not enough time. In that case, you might also gain the insight that you need to prioritize better—letting go of what is not all that important and focusing just on your top priorities and scheduling them well.
So, you see, even the pain of a simple cut could contain some vital information—especially if you were onto the idea of understanding the deeper message in your pain.
With emotional pain, you could take the same kind of mindful approach.
For example, say that you have been a loyal client of a Kung Fu school for years. You make a monthly payment for your son’s classes with them via online BillPay. One day you get a text from them saying that they haven’t received your payment for the past two months and they need it TODAY!
You look on your BillPay and see that indeed the checks were sent both months and that the one for last month was actually already cashed. You decide to go in and have a chat with them.
When you arrive at the school, you greet the instructor, who says nothing. After the urgency of the text you received, you expected him to bring up the issue of payment. So, you go ahead and tell him about the text you received. He replies quickly and defensively, “Well, we have to keep the doors open!”
Immediately you feel hurt, because you have been a loyal customer and have paid on time for years. You have even donated equipment and participated in all their fundraisers. You feel disrespected because there is no acknowledgement of that.
Nevertheless, you want to be supportive. You tell the instructor that both checks have been sent via BillPay and that one was cashed already. You expect that the other will arrive any day. You ask what the instructor would like you to do.
He replies, “Nothing! We’ll take care of it.”
You reply, “I am just trying to make sure that you get paid.”
He says, “Well, I don’t know anything about the payments. The bookkeeper is out at lunch, you can talk to her when she comes back.”
His responses feel like emotional daggers in your loyalty.
Now, you could just go on with your day, ignoring his comments and continuing to take your son to class. Or you could take the opportunity to look into the situation more deeply.
You could review what had been going on at the school over the past year.
If you did that, you might take note that the instructor recently parted with his former wife with whom he had started the school. He had then gotten engaged to a new woman who had a child. He constantly talked about his new family and all the things they were doing and wanted to do, while his focus on teaching had definitely lessened. He seemed disinterested in teaching and frequently ate during class time. He snapped at students more and more often. And, the numbers in his classes were dwindling. Maybe, he really didn’t want to teach anymore?
You had wanted to ignore all of this, because your son had formerly gotten so much from his training there and you loved to support local business. Yet, the emotional pain of the payment incident was a wake-up call. Maybe it was time to look for a new school.
Now, these may seem like minor moments—a small cut and a few sharp words—and they are. Yet, can you see how paying attention to your pain and going into it more deeply, even in minor situations, can lead you to take important action? How much more important it must be to be mindful, pay closer attention, and ask deeper questions with pains that are bigger and more chronic!
Now, that we’ve seen how important it is to turn toward pain, pay attention, and ask deeper questions, let’s move to our second insight—pain is different from suffering. This is important because we normally lump the two together. What happens when you do that?
Suppose you are skiing and you break your leg. Immediately, you feel the sharp pain of the break. Then, what does your mind do with that?
If it were me, I’d quickly jump to wondering how bad it was, how long it would take to recover, how long I’d have to miss work, and how I would pay the bills. As a teacher and trainer of mind-body practices, I use my body all day long—and I can’t do what I do without being mobile. With a broken leg, I could quickly imagine that I couldn’t do my work, I wouldn’t earn money, and I might struggle to pay the bills. These thoughts would add a layer of story onto my pain that would cause more suffering.
In fact, studies show that when you add stories of suffering onto physical pain, it makes the pain worse. It causes the pain to be more intense and to linger longer. This actually slows the healing process.
It turns out there are these two aspects to any pain we experience: there is the sensation of the pain itself, then there are mental-emotional reactions that we add to the pain. In the book, “Meditation: An In-Depth Guide” (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, 2011) authors Ian Gawler and Paul Bedson tell us that the raw sensation of pain is the primary response and the mental-emotional reaction to it the secondary response.
You have the raw physical sensations of pain, then you have an interpretive layer on top of this. This interpretive layer could be a wide range of distressing feelings such as shock, anger, blame, self-pity, guilt, and so on. And they could include mental beliefs and attitudes toward pain such as “Grin and bear it,” “No pain, no gain,” or “Big boys don’t cry.” (p. 284, MAIG)
Insight #2 tells us that our secondary reactions to the primary pain stimulus is what makes us suffer. The raw sensations of pain are actually tolerable and instructive if we can free them from the secondary reactions that accompany them. This applies to physical pains from injuries and illness, as well as to emotional pains from events such as job loss, loss of a loved one, or divorce.
There is a growing body of research that has applied meditative mindfulness to pain with astonishing results. The secret is the separation of the raw sensation from the interpretation of that sensation.
As Gawler and Bedson tell us, “The theory is that the physical experience of pain is not of itself hurtful, it is our psychological response that makes it so. When we take the psychological response out of our experience of pain, what we are left with is the raw sensation of pain. The theory is that the pure physical sensation of pain does not hurt; it is just a sensation. . .maybe it does have a sense of being unpleasant, and perhaps, all things being equal, we would prefer to be without it, but still, it is not hurtful, it is not distressing.” (p.285, MAIG)
Gawler learned this the hard way, by experiencing intense pain and suffering and learning to relate to it differently. He had a painful cancer that led to the amputation of one of his legs—and it was excruciating for him, in a way that no pain killers could touch. Through the practice of separating his pain from his secondary responses to it, he was able to handle that experience. And, this experience required such intense practice that he is now able to handle all manner of dental interventions without the use of any pain killers.
Let’s look at how we can practice this ourselves.
The next time that you experience pain, whether physical or mental-emotional, try this experiment:
1. First, acknowledge the pain and locate it, rather than turning away from it. Focus inward and turn your attention to where the pain is centered. Even if the pain is emotional, you may find that it resides somewhere in your body, perhaps in your gut, solar plexus, or your heart.
2. Notice the details of the raw sensation: Does it have a size, shape, color, texture, sound, smell, or taste?
See if you can set aside your secondary reactions to the pain, such as “How long will this last? Will it ever go away? What if it gets worse? What’s going to happen to me?” and so on. . . and just focus into the raw sensation. Notice that when you focus into the raw sensation, it is just a sensation, and you can handle it. It’s just a sensation like any other sensation.
If you notice other thoughts, stories, fears, or other secondary responses arising, acknowledge them, let them go, and return your attention to the raw sensation of the pain. See if it’s possible to relax into that sensation, rather than fighting it. Relaxing eases pain, resistance increases it.
3. Breathe around the area, then into it. Imagine that, as you breathe in, your breath gently surrounds the painful area and, as you breathe out, you release the pain in your out-breath. Once you are comfortable with breathing around the area, see if you can draw your in-breath right into the center of the painful sensation, then imagine that pain releasing out of your body in your out-breath. As the pain dissipates, breathe around the edges of it again to calm the surrounding area.
4. Ask if there is any message that this pain sensation has for you. Notice if any words, feelings, or images come to mind. See if you can connect these to actions you feel inspired to take.
It’s a good idea to practice this process with minor physical pains and emotional hurts first, to get good at it. Try it the next time you stub your toe, or cut your finger, or feel emotionally slighted in an interaction. You can try it right now with any lingering physical pains or unresolved emotional hurts. Then you can apply it to bigger pains and suffering as needed.
People who practice this skill can learn to handle all kinds of pain without feeling hurt by it. They acknowledge the pain, attend to it deeply, take appropriate action, and let it go when the mission is accomplished.
Now, keep in mind as you practice that you are not a failure if you feel pain that is too intense to handle. You’re not a failure if you sometimes need painkillers or other drugs.
This process is a practice that you can get better and better at over time—and it will reward you with insights and skills that help you live a more mindful intentional life. It’s not about being perfect or above it all. It’s about engaging more deeply and growing in presence, compassion, and awareness through all the inevitable ups and downs of life.
I would love to hear your experiences, questions, and comments in our Discussion below.
In next week’s message, we’ll explore using meditative imagery to prime us for more of the experiences our soul desires!
Until next time,
Mindfully turn toward your pain and use it to move forward,
Kevin